헤어지잔News 이제와어Oops, I love you, 여기서 멈춰, 결국 때가 왔어 보낼 때가 , I’m ready, I’m ready, ready

….괜찮냐고 글쎄 어떨 것 같아 글쎄, 그걸 또 몰라서 몰어, 니가 뻔하지 똑같지 하나 별할리 없지, 끝까지 잘날 척 하지, 우리가 그럼 그렇지 좋게 끝날리 없지….

니가 했던 짓들은 언제나 내 팃이 되지…. (Breakup news finally arrived, oops I love you, let’s stop at here, time has already come to let go, I’m ready, I’m ready, ready…you always ask if I am ok, or do you really not know? You’re so typical, you are the same, you’ve not changed, you always pretend you are better than me, we’re so typical, we can never have a good ending together….Everything you do always becomes my fault….)

I like this part of the lyrics from Nine Muses’ “News”. It sums up a lot of the former relationships I had that were just mere emotional drama–family and friendships–and that basically only amounted to pain for me. I found out after these years that perhaps those people whom I could not be near probably never changed. It is just that I never really knew them well enough for what and who they are anyway. Perhaps, they also did not really know me anyway as well as they thought they did, because I constantly tried too hard to please them by acting the way they wanted me to. So cutting out all these relationships or distancing myself from them is probably meant in the end.

I hate to say it, but it is more true than ever that I can never ever go back to Singapore. Instead of blaming it on the politics or politicians within the country, it is simply the social culture and the mindset of the people there which I do not feel one bit at ease with. Negativity does breed negativity in the vein of things, and I have yet to come across many people who are content with what they have back there. Instead, I saw a lot more discontent and negativity proliferating amongst the people. In many ways, I don’t even seem to have problems assimilating with South Korean and /or Canadian society, and in the case of the former, especially because I could read, write and speak Korean. It is in fact more stressful to relate to Singaporeans, although I was born there and grew up there for my teenage years, because I think that my cultural mindset is arguably very different from most and I do not take to the values that they embrace, such as materialism and the love of money.

But it is for the good to divorce oneself from such negative people and settings, and I am glad I am in Japan till I move to a new place when the contract is up.

A few days ago over the weekend, after hearing this song numerous times to try drumming it into myself I need to let go of negative relationships which will only suck the happiness out of me, I took the pictures that I had of a female friend I knew for over 10 years, and then edited them such that she was no longer inside the pictures anymore. She was seriously a sore pain in the neck with her lack of manners towards the opposite sex, and all in the name of finding a boyfriend or being in a relationship, she had no apologies or remorse for treating the guys among her friends like dung. What I really hated her for was the very fact that she could be so unapologetic about saying that prostitutes work hard for their money, when the truth is that these people are often forced into these, and I thought that someone who had been taken advantage of by men whom she first knew online and even date-raped(and having had to go for an abortion in her early 3o’s) would have more compassion or commonsense to say something more humane. It is not so. I befriended a really cruel woman who has no qualms about her lack of humaneness, which just makes me realize how she seriously lacks compassion even for herself. It was at that moment  I found a lot more catharsis. Granted that I have no animosity towards her, I doubt that we can ever be friends at all anymore.

The time to move on for me basically came when I realized this: since she has already moved on from me as a friend, why shouldn’t I move on from her as a friend? I did not talk to her anymore after that remark which she made, but I think it was foolish of me to even message her to tell her I am leaving for Japan and then Korea after that. She never even replied to say any congratulations or wish me all the best, and even friends whom I had never talked to for years could wish me that over the phone or email. She is just a totally unworthy person to keep as I realized, even in memories, so when I edited the photos, I felt that immaculate sense of relief, as if I had released a stone out into the sea. Some people really have to be let go of totally even in memories.

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