어려운 삶을 살 수 있는 항복한다는 (It is difficult to live a life of surrender.) (Scott Koenigsaecker)

I came across this saying, that it is difficult to live a life of surrender, mainly to surrender the outcome of what we do and are called to release into God’s hands, instead of holding and clinging onto them stubbornly although we know that the one controlling the outcome is still God. This is a very human thing admittedly to want to control the circumstances and people around so as to make sure that the results or outcome are what we want. Yet, at the end of the day, trusting that God has His own timing and purpose is what He wants us to know, that His ways are not our ways. I have been struggling so much to understand this particularly because I know that deep inside, I was still yearning for a part of the past, my endeared past, before things changed and became bitter at one point to hurt me. But somehow, as a few friends said, the most important thing is that I learn through all these. I still ask questions, but know somehow that not all of them will be answered and I have to bring my broken hopes and relationships with people before God, asking Him to restore them in His own timing.

I am still praying this prayer to God to ask Him to help me accept that He is in control and will bring me through to understand things, although I still grapple and ask why in the process of all these, even as an observer, I have become hurt in the process.

I wrote a poem in Korean just to express that feeling of something in the past lost:

텅빔(Emptiness) (Tongbim)

제발 들어와져요 소중한이전, (Jae-bal deu-reo-wa-jyeo-yo so-joong-han-yi-jeon)

아찍 많이 보고싶은데, (ah-jjik man-ni bo-go-ship-peun-dae)

그러나 완전히 이렇버렸어. (keu-reo-na wan-jeon-hi yi-reo-beo-ryeo-sseo)

혼자 그리워져요, (hon-ja keu-ri-wo-jyeo-yo)

슬픈한 심장이 불가능한추억을 기다리고 있어요, (seul-peun-han shim-jang-yi bul-ka-neung-han-chu-eok-geul ki-da-ryeo-go yi-sseo-yo)

가끔 이상 현실보다 잔인도. (ga-ggeum yi-sang hyeon-shil boda jan-in-do)

Please, won’t you come back, my precious past,

I still miss you much,

But it is completely lost.

I still wait alone,

The saddened heart waiting for the impossible memories still,

Sometimes reality is crueler than imagination.

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