Over the last few years and ever since my life changed with the trip made to the USA and the initiation of the journey of self-discovery that it triggered off, I have arrived at this conclusion that I have been searching my whole life for answers. I have always been known by my professors and teachers back in school as the perpetually inquisitive and curious-minded child or student, asking questions nonstop and never settling for a definite answer which does not please or satisfy me, and never settling till deep answers are found. This is indeed the mark of my own personality, and after having lived through one of the lowest points of life in depression, in 2005, and having survived that dark night of my soul, it is only then that I realized how essentially this search for answers springs from the heart which desires to be fulfilled and happy. Granted that we all have moments of lucidity and moments when we do not care and just live through the motions of life, worrying about the cares such as money, food and shelter which bog us down incessantly (especially for me because I have been living away from family for the last few years and saw the need to be away from them as a part of my own independence and coming into adulthood), it is a strong, never-ending ache or desire (강한 바람).

I now see my life as three distinct phases which perhaps takes an immensely long time for fulfilment, but in retrospect, it does appear to make things more obvious. I had to learn love and forgiveness in three phases of my life: first family, then beloved friends, finally romantic love. The third and last category has not yet arrived in my life, and maybe it has to do with me not having actively searched yet  due to the need to be financially stable and able to take care of myself first. Yet in the first 2 areas of my life, I probably experienced a lot of upheavals which have changed my whole life profoundly and made me realize as a whole that maybe God is preparing me to learn what love and forgiveness are. 무조건의사랑과 용서만 미래를 바꾸 할 능력이 되다. (Only unconditional love and forgiveness can change the future.) [pronounced as ‘mu-jo-geon-eui sarang kwa yong-seo-mahn mirae-reul ba-ggu hal neung-nyeo-gi dwen-da)

I continue to search, because I have not found those answers yet. The heart is still aching and is still seeking answers, answers which might never be found. I still ask questions, and sometimes, when I ask them again and again, when many people tell me that sometimes there are no answers that can be given at that moment, that is when old wounds start cracking and splitting apart again. I guess more than ever that it is true that there is no such thing as “Time will heal all wounds”, because it is a human invention, but rather that only when we turn to God, does healing come.

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